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Argh, i feel dead weird now...

As you guys know i have been trying to lose some more weight, I am 2 stones/25lbs down so far, and i am still wanting to lose at least another 3 stone.... erm.... 36lbs at least. I was 112lbs at my lowest and was 202lbs at my heaviest.

As you can tell, i spend a lot of time obsessing over my weight. I don't know if you knew this/how many of you knew this, but yeah. At my lowest 112 i did have some trouble, and i have had some trouble which has caused me to get up to my highest.

I kinda feel weird saying this, because I am not sure whether i will actually press 'post comment' at the end of it. I know i have friends on here who don't know about my eating past.... we shall see if i have the balls to press post when i finish up typing.

What has started me thinking of this and thinking maybe i am safe to say something, maybe i am allowed to discuss it, is that one of my friends on here has mentioned the phrase ED. this phrase has been part of my life for nearly half of my life, but nobody has known apart from Beard. I ritually burned my items i had saved with him when i decided 'that's it, i'm cured!!' but of course now i am on a few forums again, and am just 'dipping my toe in' at the moment...... I am in control this time though. I know what i want to be, i know how i want to do it, and i know why. I am determined to do this, and look and feel amazing.

erm, just thought i'd put it out there, my balls have now started to shrink and i'm not sure where i'm going with this now.....

sooo, yeah, bye :) xxxxxx

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On the one hand...

Hi All,

At work today we've got the most slack day ever!! we're sat eating the mega buffet we all put a fiver in for, and playing games. I have intro'd the boys to the game squares, so they're all doing an ebaumsworld squares competition... try it, google ebaum and squares, it's EPIC. no, hang on, it's....

EPIC.

So I came on here to have a bit of a chat, yesterday at work we had started the 'wind down', and sat nattering. One thing that was asked (we always have these 'what if' questions - If you were gay, who would you go for? If you were on a desert island, what 3 things would you take with you? (Beardy boy said he's take ray mears....)) and this one was what is your best feature (personality or other) and what is your worst....
People who know me well, you will know I am not very complimentary about myself. I mean, my personality is fine, there are bad things but there is enough good stuff to allow the bad. I think i said my negative would be my own self image, not being able to even like myself, and my positive would be I can see good things in every single person i know. Even Meathead that used to work here, even he had a good point. (prob only a single one, but yeahhhh)

Then I thought ok, what are my positives and negatives?? might have to have a think about that... any suggestions welcome :)

Porno fail

Is it bad that on my day off i have just watched a few scenes of a porno, one section of which has 3 guys unloading over a girls face....... and my only thought was.......

DON'T CROSS THE STREAMS!!!!!!!

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post-birthday post....

Hello ladies and gents!

So, it was my birthday last month, I'm now the ripe old age of 27 (lol) and still acting about 8. Like baby dave said to me on Saturday - 'Loz, i love the fact you've never grown up'..... to which i responded as long as the bills and mortgage get paid, what you do with the rest of your money and time is entirely up to you!

I think that's a pretty good motto to have. I mean, Beard spends most of his money on Xbox games, car pieces to add on/upgrade the 2 autos on our drive, and tee shirts. he is such a girl when it comes to tees!! how i am with shoes, Lush and books? he is with tees.

On other news, the evening out on saturday was rather hefty, i had a throbbing headache yesterday, stayed in my PJs and under the bed covers but sat on the sofa until about 1, then Beard MADE me go get washed and dressed as we had to go do a grocery shop.... and then we went to get some DVDs, too :D yay!! we kinda watched 3 outa the 4 yesterday, tho, so tomorrow when we both have a day off (we're going to a quick gig tonight) we will only have 1 film to watch. but i'm thinking we'll probably need to do some housework, too, seeing as i did naff all yesterday!!

Oh, how i do love Bill Turnbull..... just a random one, got BBC news on in the background, and he is really showing the visiting MP's what for. i love the fact they try and worm out of answering stuff, then he goes 'well actually, that has answered nothing, can you PLEASE tell me blah blah blah....' sarcastic, intelligent and a wicked sense of humour!

Right, now I have figured out how to work LJ again (!) i am visiting all of my friends pages to see what i have missed out on...

But just as something to leave you with, my phone is now a time travelling wonder..... i received a text on saturday which said 'rec'd at 21.29'.... my clock time said 21.27....... :DDDDDDD    DOC BROWN PHONE BABY!!!!

speak soon, peoples xxxx

arrrrggggh!!

FRUSTRATIONNNNN!!!!

I would like to apologise for my total lack of responding to messages on here at the moment - for some reason i can't go to post log via my own page (?) and haven't even been able to get past the first welcome page on LJ for the last month or so. this has done my tree in RIGHTEOUSLY and i am now highly pissed at it. I want to apologise because i have two messages that i can read and not reply to, which i really want to reply to as i feel for a certain person sooooooooooooo much!

LJ, sort your shit out!!

sad, but loves. xxxx

Writer's Block: Anti-bullying month

Who is the biggest bully in your life? One response chosen at random will win an Amazon Kindle. [contest details] (sponsored by )
The biggest bully in my life? has to be a draw between myself and my mum. Mum had told me for years when i was growing up how big i was, how i was 'chunky monkey' or 'Thora thunder thighs', and i believed it. I believe it now. It has developed into me needing antidepressants, initially for severe clinical depression, attempts on my life and regular self harming for over 12 years.i am now 3 1/2 years clean, as such, and have just come off my antidepressants, but i still have depression. And when i was in therapy for the depression, hey! Turns out i have body dysmorphic disorder, too! thanks mum! So not only is my 5 foot tall, 100lb mum the reason for me feeling like an elephant since i was 8 (thats when i became taller and heavier than her) but i now do her job for her and put myself down on a regular basis. I feel physically sick when i see my body in a mirror, we only have 1 mirror in the house, and most of that is covered up from my neck level down. i have had/still have eating disorders because of my views of myself, and the rubbish thing is when i was 110 lbs, excessively exercising and eating 800 cals a day, mum said i looked great. And i felt amazing.

So the biggest bully in my life is a draw, 1st prizes go to Lozt and Mummy.

edit ; / didnt realise this was going on my wall, but hey. u guys know me now, and this is what i do!

quickie

Hey all, just a quickie today while Beard has gone food shopping...

Feel sooo weird today, like i want to hibernate but i want to do loads of stuff, too - i was going to get out in the garden but its all wet and horrible, so that counts out doing a washload. joy! gotta do it in the week instead. Certainly need to do a shedload of ironing, though, got a load of new tee shirts from cafe press with comedy/geeky slogans on em this last coupla days.

Gotta go dye my hair too - its now looking like an old ladies blue rinse! got a good 2 and a half bottles of lovely coral blue dye that should last a few weeks, or at least until my next appointment when i get my highlights all brightened up.

erm...... soo yeah. I could go on about weight loss and stuff, have lost just over a stone in the last 2 months, but i wont, as im still not anywhere near where i want to be. So im just going to go on to Postsecret and get all weird in the head, and then get my hair dying stuff out. then got to go build a large shallow tray to hold sand stuff for Scouts... we have a games day next saturday, and i've left building things a leeeetle bit late!

me.

x

personality disorder tests!!

Personality Disorder Test Results


Paranoid |||||||||||||||| 62% 49%
Schizoid |||||||||||||||| 70% 53%
Schizotypal |||||||||||||||| 62% 53%
Antisocial |||||||||||| 46% 47%
Borderline |||||||||||||||| 70% 47%
Histrionic |||||| 26% 43%
Narcissistic |||||| 26% 41%
Avoidant |||||||||||| 42% 39%
Dependent |||||| 26% 37%
Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||| 50% 40%

Paranoid Personality Disorder - individual generally tends to interpret the actions of others as threatening.

Schizoid Personality Disorder - individual generally
detached from social relationships, and shows a narrow range of
emotional expression in various social settings.


Schizotypal Personality Disorder - individual is
uncomfortable in close relationships, has thought or perceptual
distortions, and peculiarities of behavior.

Borderline Personality Disorder - individual shows a generalized
pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and
observable emotions, and significant impulsiveness.

If you want a go, here it is! http://similarminds.com/personality_disorder.html

this week...

This week I am mostly into 'likes' and 'dislikes'...

I like;

Seth Rogen
James Deen
Having my bare back stroked by my fella's hand
He-man films
Blueberries
Being organised
My noobs at work (I'm so good at training!!)
Olly Murs new song, heart skipped a beat
Rizzle Kicks
Geeking out
The fact i have lost so much weight again - down nearly a stone and a half from my high weight!
My grandma's cooking - lovely scones.
Having responsibilities at work
Miso soup
The fact I am not on ANY tablets now - i am officially unmedicated!
my lovely tattoos - new and old :)
The anticipation before you dye your hair a bright colour when it has been 'normal' for a while (going blue on sunday!)
My trousers are now too loose for me, and can be pulled down without undoing them - safety pin for the win!
Free stuff from magazines
Ed Sheeran's AMAZINGG voice
Doing my 22 mile swim again this year, looking forward to that!
Being able to wear my hair in bunches again.



I dislike;

Nobody sending me gifts on cityville and cafe world!
Female acoustic vocalists
My stomach making so many noises
Having to go shopping for new trousers
Going for an eye test
When your mascara comes off on one eye only because your eye is running... just on one side!
My skin now i am off all of my pills - hormone frenzy!!
The fact i have not been on a proper holiday with Beard this year.
Trimming/shaving your lady garden and taking a chunk out..... :S



And that's about it....

L. xx

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Raar, Raar....

Heyyyyy, i have now completed more things on my 101 list - make 5 new friends, attend a pride celebration, and I released a Balloon note, too! 3 completed, and £6 in my pot! I did also make 2 new enemies, they started snogging, proper tongue in each others throats, and i told em because we're surrounded by tents doesn't mean they're in a room - so go get one! lol. oh well. 7 down off the list, 70 left to go... i just have to fill the rest of the list, too!

On a general note, things are going ok, had a bit of a depressed day ystrdy, but came home, had nice tea and washed some pots, so at least i feel productive! Got the beaver party tomorrow, and my next round of tattooage, so i think i shall have a fairly chilled out day then. just need to make sure i have all of the right games and things!

I am debating about Post secret... it's a website where you send your secret, illustrated or collaged onto the front of a postcard, with no personal details on the back. All you need to write or type on it is your secret, and the only rules are it must be a secret, and it must be the truth. I have about 6 things so far that i could send in, so i think what i will do is make a mega card, on like A3 paper, and separate the front up so it has a lot of space for different secrets. It feels kind of naughty and i feel a bit ashamed of some of these secrets, but for the other things i wish i could actually tell the person that it relates to.

On another completely different note, it is my fella Beard's Bday on friday, we're off to meadowhall for the day!! we should be going out on saturday night, too, have a bit of a giggle and a bit of a karaoke sesh with Olliegami and the crew. I guess i should get a lovely top to wear on sat, so i can look vaguely like i've dressed up!

L. xx